Alternative Martial Arts

Aikidon't

The art of denying anything and everything. Often involves blaming others.

Aikido-re-mi

A form of aikido done to nursery rhymes and songs from "Sound of Music".

Ai Kid Oh

Aikid-oh is the ultimate Japanese version of Young Fu. Even more rolling around than the latter...

Bado

A special "reversed engineering", simplistic form of budo.

Barbecuedo

A North-American food-fight. Always done outdoors and mostly over the weekend. Hot! The self-defense variety is called barbecuejutsu.

Bling Chun

A unique American art, involves loading a homie with all sorts of heavy stuff (called bling bling), and insanely oversized clothes, making him unable to move without looking really stupid.

Boo-jutsu

How to boo someone until they break down or leave all together.

Booto

"The path of the boot", also referred as "to give someone the boot" or "being booted". A true kicking art!

Busydo

"The way of 'busyness'".  Usually seen when someone performs some sort of martial art pattern - waiving arms and legs about at great speed. The object is to scare people who are easily scared (and equally, easily impressed).

Buykido

The art of buying stuff, and then sidestepping payments (the universal principle of "No Paying - No Pain").

Buykijutsu

The feminine art where a black belt in shopping is the ultimate goal. This takes years and years of constant, and hard, practice (aka. shopping). You may - incorrectly - be led to believe that the practitioners are naked, since the typical opening phrase is: "I don't have anything to wear!"

Carate

Using your car to "leave a lasting impression" on someone or something. Can be performed one on one, in groups, or in kata form. Carate is an expensive activity, also referred to as cra-ching.

Chickenjutsu

the art of being a chicken. The sport variety is called Chickendo. Basically involves heavy heartbeats and running away.

Comebac

Combac involves displaying Leaveing-chun, and then bringing in friends (known as 'brothers') and/or weapons at a later stage.

Comebath

This is probably the cleanest fighting arts of all. When done properly, the Combathants experience a state called 'floating' (allegedly, a very desirable state). Diving-chun is known as a more jumping style of Comebath.

Con Fu

Also known as "Ju Fool". The art of ehhmm ... cunningly persuading someone to give you money or valuables.

Cowli

Cowli is a highly advanced cowboy art, involving two rattan sticks, lots of beans the best Chuck Norris moves ever. Uniform: Walker, Texas Ranger style. Uses colored boots rather than belts.

Cowpoeira

Cowpoeira is a martial arts dance that mimics the elegant and energetic moves of the South-American cattle. Done to the (rather annoying) beats of cow-bells.

Crapoeira

Crapoeira is white people with little or no sense of rhythm trying to do Brazilian capoeira.

Crudo

Crudo is the collective name of the most basic martial arts, such as Tai Cheap, Chickenjutsu, Escreama or Slapkido.

Dae Wrong Do

A form of Ju-do-suck. Literally meaning: 'The Wrong Way'. Probably because you either have shown up for the wrong class (like being prepared for yoga in a street combat class), or because you really are lost.

Drunkendo

Any form of FUI (Fighting Under Influence) with bamboo swords.

Dumbo

A simplified street-fighting variety of Russian sambo. Always a form of FUI.

Escreama

Real loud shouting when you encounter a stick up.

Escrealma

Real escrima, known only by one master - Master Hu Nose.

Fensing

Christian, religious teenage group activity. Lots of choir singing and saber fighting. All goods are stolen, but don't tell the kids!

Foodo

All fighting arts related to generous consumption of food. Known as food-fight - anything goes!

Gluedo

A sticky form of Japanese wrestling.

Gone Fu

The ancient art of disappearing - In China often referred to as "Fearless Tiger Vanishing Silently Through the Rear Exit."

Growshindo

A very large -- and growing -- French art. A typical technique involves doing 357 moves (to confuse the opponent and entertain the audience), before taking a lunch break.

Gum Fu

Another Chinese sticky art with lots of bite - great for the senior citizens.

Ha-ha-hapkido

Aka. humor. Involves general mayhem, laughter and lots of rolling around.

Happykido

A fighting style which incorporates so much smile, joy, hugs and happiness, you'll drive everyone around you to their death in no time. More lethal than the sports variety: Ha-ha-hapkido.

Highkido

A gentler, allegedly wiser and mostly unarmed variety of Drunkendo.

Hippiekido

A laid back and philosophical art involving casual joint manipulation and lots of meditation. All really far out dude.

How-do-ju-do

The gentle art of politely (and cunningly) blowing smoke up someone's posterior.

Icehockeydo

Nonviolent hockey with lots of blending, harmony, projections and ki. Both teams win every game!

IroniKali

Ironic use of rattan sticks. Always double-sticks, since every move has two interpretations - one obvious, physical - and another, deeper (ironic) one. Kind of funny, but you're never quite sure...

Iscreama

A predecessor to of Ju-do-suck. Involves loud voices, and a special form of flailing the arms in (seemingly) random fashion.

Iskijutsu

Basically aikijutsu developed for the skiing population. You have various cross-country (Nordic), as well as a downhill forms. All are performed in full contact with Mother Nature.

Icekido

Solo (kata) or duo skating done to loud music on huge PA's. A highly stylized and circular art with lots of jumps and fancy poses. The skates can be used as a combat weapon. Very few take this on as a full-contact form due to this fact.

Jaw Jitsu

The perfect art for those wanting to take one or more bites out of crime ... or anything else for that matter.

Jew Jitsu

The oldest of all Hebrew martial arts. Very kosher.

Ju-do-suck

The art telling others in no uncertain terms how you feel about them, their ancestors, household and their inferior art.

Ju Go

Ju Go is the art of convincing others to go rather than yourself.

Jury-jitsu

The art of wrestling with a jury. Will involve lots of verbal judo.

Kalimbo

A Western Indian martial arts dance. Involves bending over backwards and passing under a pole that is lowered slightly each time. The dancer is being hit with rattan sticks to speed up the process.

Kalinguistics

A form of verbal judo. Kalinguistics packs more punch, and you are expected to stick to it 'till the end.

Karate-duh

Karate-duh is the simple art of a straight line between two points - typically my fist and your face. So obvious and simple that it takes a lot of practice (duh!).

Karatea

British ceremonial tea drinking involving fist fights and heavy doses of polite upper class language ("Terribly sorry, old chap - my fault entirely!") Think Monthy Python. A tad more violent than a Japanese tea ceremony.

Kempose

The stylish art of looking real cool and striking a variety of fancy poses. The objective is to look tough, attract media and impress the public (read: the opposite gender).

Kendo

1. Japanese sword fighting. 2. The headbutting style of Ken "the Caveman" Kilminster from Glasgow, Scotland.

King Fu

The lesser known, semi-royal version of the Chinese art. And yes, they had kings in China - in fact many of them, but only one emperor (at the time) though.

King Kong Fu

Huge monkey (aka. gorilla) style kung fu

Kung Crew

Kung Crew is a special close combat variety of the fu-stuff, designed for use on airplanes by cabin crews against unruly passengers; totally Hong Kong Fu!

Kung Flu

A variation of bacteriological warfare - very sneaky!

Kung Food

A Chinese parallel to Japanese sumo - weight has a lot of ... well, weight actually. One vital difference is that Kung Food involves eating as the only competitive element. Should be a big hit in some North-American countries.

Kung Fun

The "Jokeido" of Chinese martial arts. Very funny, highly addictive, inherently deadly.

Kung Who

Kung Who is so secret that no one knows anything or anyone.

Krav Raga

Israeli-Indian full-contact Bollywood song and dance self-defense art.

Liekido

Liekido is the great art of never telling the truth. It is done to preserve balance and harmony, and to increase energy.

Leaveing-chun

Leaveing-chun is the art of not being there when the poo hits the fan.

Long Fu

A very long form of kung fu. Long Fu has typically more than 380 moves, and no one ever remembers them.

Lung Fu

The internal art of rhythmic breathing.

MaKwonDo

A century old mother art. Involves twisting the earlobes, pinching the cheeks, wrist slaps, loud screams, verbal commands and deft use of cutlery.

Moo-jitsu

Japanese Cow-Fu. Famous for its solid stances and devastating headbutts - somewhat similar to original Bullshido.

Muay Tai Chi

Very slow Muay Thai.

Mykido

Mykido is just me (or you) working on our martial art all by ourselves. Always done with protective gear, full-contact.

My Thigh

A modern dance-infused art inspired by kick-boxing and cowboy legends - described as a mix between line-dance, bump, foxtrot and Savate.

Napkido

Makes tai chi looks stressed. The ultimate soothing and relaxing exercise. Involves sleeping - and not much more.

Newjutsu

Regular jutsu is old (or at least 'old-ish'). So this art is brand spanking new - which is great (kind of like box fresh sneakers)!

Nicehockeydo

Even more harmonious than icehockeydo. You will likely see group hugs by both teams after each score, and hear lots of "Sorry, my fault entirely!".

Ninjazz

Not a fighting art as per se, but still very annoying. Think of it as a sneaky form of Taiko drumming with (very) odd meters. Players tend to wear black and hide in the dark.

Noshindo

The style of no style what so ever. Really great if you don't plan to do anything but contemplate doing a martial art.

Now-and-then-jutsu

The art of having no rhythm or sense of time, so that your employer or spouse (generally known as opponents) never know if your coming or going. A great supplement to Crapoeira.

Nudo

Nudo (nude-o) is 'the way of showing off' (as in showing off what you really got). The objective is either to impress, frighten or disgust others into surrendering. Ripping of your own shirt pre- or mid-confrontation is a form of semi-nudo. Streaking is not nudo, neither is nudism.

Pancakerase

Wrestling with the urge to have pancakes with syrup. Based on the ancient Greece art of Pancakeration. A hard form of Foodo.

Poshindo

An advanced follow-up, glamour system to Buykijutsu. Very expensive! Bad techniques involves being seen in public without makeup, not having a personal assistant/stylist, buying anything at GAP, sending your children to public schools, not flying first class and wearing the same outfit twice.

Poojutsu

This is heavy sh**! Poodo ('Way, or path of the poo') is just slightly more artsy and stylish. However, the Chinese art of Poo Fu is really THE sh**! Holy-Shitoryu (see: Vicarate) is not to be confused with Poojutsu, Poodo or Poo Fu.

Pun Fu

See: Wing Fun

Rapkido

Ju-do-suck with backing music and lots of bling-bling. The dance moves are similar to, but better than, crapoeira.

SamBa Gua

A Chinese-Brazilian internal martial art cunningly disguised as a flamboyant dance.

Slapkido

Described as: "The enlightened path of the universal energy between the open moving hand and greeting face."

Smoking Fu

Smoking Fu is the ultimate art of trying to look cool while you pay lots of money to ruin your own health. The bad breath, yellow fingers, smelly clothes and hair is an added bonus.

Song Fu

"My Song Fu is more out of tune than your Song Fu!" Directly from the Beijing Opera. Its a little like a Chinese version of Aikido-re-mi ... but much more painful!

Suedo

A typical Western art of suing anyone over anything for a hefty sum of dineros. Involves throwing all logic, reason and empathy out the window.

Suemo

The heavyweight division of suedo. A class act is typically suemo. Going after McDonalds because their coffee is too hot is also suemo, but also very American.

Taboodo

Stepping on one, or many, belief system/s. The object is ultimately to gain control by divide and conquer. 

Tacowondo

Mexican-Korean Food-Fist-Way. Duh - What were you expecting?

Taekwondon't

Not using your arms or legs. Basically involves standing still, performing taekwondumb.

Tae Kwon Doze

"Sleepy hands and feet" a highly relaxed and laid back form of TKD.

Taekwondumb

Taekwondumb is the practical application of taekwondon't. Even amongst the weirdest alternative martial arts, this is a real strange combat alternative!

Tae Kwon Toe

Tae Kwon Toe (Taekwon-toe). Specialised Korean TKD using only the toes for kicking. In some schools called Toe Kwon Do. Toetally serious.

Take One Do

The way of the first take (extreme newbe-do)

TakeSomeDough

The art getting parents to write checks for anything involving martial arts training. The real masters can have you sign a check to be allowed to line up to sign a check...

Tang Song Do

A Korean battle art. It was temporarily lost at 7:12 a.m., May 4, 1804 when all four band members forgot their instruments for morning practice. It was resumed however at 07:15.

Tai Cheap

Very low cost martial art - involves just one easy-to-learn movement ("Coward walking away slowly").

Tai Cheat

A very short form of tai chi, involving just one movement - two at the most (for the sporty and adventurous ones). Since it all goes so incredibly slooow, it may seem like your actually doing different moves. Cunning!

Tai Chilly

A strong and spicy martial art! Belongs to the Kung Food family.

Tai Chimney

The secretive, and very exclusive, art involving getting a sumo-sized Santa down thousands of narrow (and dirty) Chimneys. The objective is endurance, speed and silence - plus no dirty laundry...

Tape Kwon Do

Don't ask me why - but hey tend to tape everything. Guess they get a kick out of it?

Tea Kwon Do

An old Korean art translated as "The path of the tea hand". Serves them right!

Teak-Wond-Do

Too Kwon Do

Simply too much kwondo (in other words: more feet, less fist).

Trykido

The art of convincing others to try something they don't want.

Two Kwon Do

Second take - see: Take One Do.

Vicarate

Karate developed for the clergy. One well-known style is Holy-Shitoryu.

Weirdo

A strange art. Like in very, very strange art. Used in psychiatric wards to confuse, and blend with, psychotic patients. Also highly popular amongst doormen and bouncers.

Where's-my-keydo

1. The (near) forgotten art of the mysterious disappearing keys. Always played when you're in a hurry.
2. Also the name of a musical form for players who are (totally) out of key.

Whendo

The art of perfect timing: "When do I best whack him?" The correct answer is generally: "When he's busy with something else."

Whodo

The wrestling sports equivalent to Kung Who. Since it is so secretive, no one ever knows who is winning. One of the more obscure fighting arts!

Whykido

Asking questions until your opponent (aka. mom, dad or teacher) gives up and start to cry.

Why Buy

This art is more commonly seen as full-contact shoplifting. Very popular in urban areas.

Winjitsu

The art of claiming victory without even showing up for the fight.

Wing Fun

A highly developed form of hitting people with jokes 'till they fall over laughing. Famous last words: "You're killing me!"

Wrong Fu™

The very common methodology of using the wrong method. Typically involves getting beaten up or being laughed at.

Wushoe

Aka Kung Shoe. A typical Chinese kicking art. Wearing shoes are mandatory (big surprise...).

Youdo

Pronounced: ju doo, is the art of total surprise. It's a logical counter to blows such as: "Honey, I want a divorce", and "Dad, I need to borrow the car".  A similar art is Youtoo? - a perfect counter method to "I don't love you anymore", and "Mom, I need some money".

Young Fu

A young martial art, where a diaper often is a part of the uniform. You start with a black belt (Diaper Dan™) at soon as you can walk and advance from there. You can expect lots of breaks, a cozy environment and students falling asleep.

Yihaapkido

A fancy mix of horse riding, flying kicks, bacon and beans, lots of badges, self-defense and meditation. Oh, yes... medication too!

We will be adding more alternative martial arts as soon as they are brought down from another solar system. Do come by for more chuckles!